Heartbreak

This morning I woke up and posted a status on Facebook saying 'Facebook is shit'. While on there I saw my cousin, Cerrissa's status - 'Another angel watching over me'. My heart broke for her as I knew she was attending a funeral today and her granddad died a month ago. I didn't say anything on her status though as I thought it was about a friend rather than a family member.

My lovely cousin sent me a text straight away saying 'I love you'. I sent back 'I love you too. Are you ok?' to which she replied 'Yeah. Are you?'. I laughed and told the mister, we were both wondering why I wouldn't be thinking nothing was wrong. Cerrissa replied 'Call your dad, Ames. x'. I immediately thought of her Facebook status and thought my Oma had died. Earlier this year we'd had some bad news that she has lung cancer and a spot on her brain. 

I called dad. After three calls he answered and asked if I was sitting down. I was lying in bed still so there was no problem about that. He asked again if I was. I thought I knew what was coming. I expected the words to be 'Oma died' but they weren't. The words instead were 'Opa died'. I repeated it three times, each with shock. I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. Opa wasn't supposed to die. Not yet. 

Family at Cerrissa's 18th 2009

Disclaimer needed here, I think. I'm not saying that Oma was supposed to die. She isn't. Not yet. After her news earlier this year we were all preparing ourselves for the worse, as you do. We love her and don't want to lose her. Not now. Not this year. Not next year. We don't want her to die.

Opa and me Christmas 2008

Opa was my favourite. Everyone knows that. We had something special. A connection that only us could have. He was my Opa. I love him like I love no other, it's different. Definitely an unconditional love based on mutual admiration. I looked up to him. I still do.

Opa and munchkin 2009

My favourite photo of us is him chasing me around the balcony one Christmas when I was young. We were both laughing and I know he would have caught me and tickled me until I nearly spewed from laughter. 

Opa and munchkin 2009

I see this mutual love in the relationship between munchkin and my dad, his Opa. It's like no other. It's beautiful. It's special. Unconditional, mutual love. A connection that doesn't take away from any other relationships but is one of a kind.

Dad and munchkin 2009

This year has been rough. Really rough. So rough that I am going to say that 2011 can go fuck itself. Opa's mind deteriorated from Alzheimer's quickly. The last time I saw him was dreadful, it wasn't him. It was a violent, terrified, frustrated, lost man. Not my strong, proud Opa. It was decided that he would be safest in a nursing home. 

Christmas 2009

That was only a few months ago. It's happened so fast. It shouldn't have yet I'm glad it did. In a way. Knowing what I know now I wish a year ago I was grieving like this. I wish a year ago his body gave way rather than his mind. I wish that he died happy rather than confused. He deserved happiness.

Rest in Peace Walter. Rest in Peace Opa.