Shutter Mouth and Arrogance

You know how you do something then freak out that maybe you shouldn't have? Maybe you should have kept your mouth shut? No? Well, lucky you because it's a shit, unnecessary feeling.

I'm feeling like I shouldn't have published my post yesterday. Not yet. What if something is or goes wrong? I haven't even been to the doctor yet. I know I'm pregnant, I know when we had sex, I know my last pregnancy was problem free BUT what if?

When I fell pregnant with munchkin I was not healthy. I was far from healthy. We were so unhealthy we thought no baby would be able to be conceived or survive with our lifestyle. I wasn't on SSRI's which can harm the baby in the first four weeks of conception like I was this time though. 

Thinking back to when I started on Aropax, not long ago actually, I was so arrogant. I was so naive. All I wanted was help, to be told you aren't imagining this. The first two weeks were hell, why did I not stop then? After that I was still getting sick, still getting anxious, still missing appointments. Why did I not stop then? I thought I knew better than the medication that I wanted so badly to work for me. 

Random photo of the boys sleeping to break up this tangent

I wanted Aropax to work. I listened to my doctor when he told me this was the best medication to use and it would work. It did. It worked mildly. After a couple of months I had the urge to up the dose. I didn't because I had read the dangers and because I didn't want to be addicted. Addicted to a drug that was supposed to help. A drug that should not have tolerance levels. A drug that should not have withdrawals. A drug that my doctor told me was not addictive as that was one of my main concerns. A drug that NEEDS higher regulation.

I didn't go back to that doctor when I changed my medication. There are many reasons; I needed a bulk billing doctor, I wanted a female doctor to do my pap smear, and I was scared he wouldn't let me change. I'm so glad I didn't go back. I think having anxiety about talking about my medication with that doctor helps show that Aropax wasn't right for me, wasn't working.

I made the easy transition to Zoloft but as I was on a smaller dose I did suffer some withdrawals like dizziness, lethargy, blurred vision, diarrhoea, headaches, anxiety, and the shakes. They weren't bad, more annoying. Since being on Zoloft, I feel happier, relaxed, more energetic, less anxious, and more in touch with my emotions. I'm already so much happier being on Zoloft plus it's ok for the baby.

Aropax is one reason why I'm worried. Worried not anxious. It's on the DO NOT USE list while pregnant, especially the first trimester. Now I've googled the risks of Zoloft while pregnant. Great. Fuck you google. 

So I'm worried that this baby will not be healthy. That something will be wrong. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and my fingers tied and not published my post last night. What if?!