Wowza

Two. A number I've heard plenty of the last few days. A number I better get used to. A nice, even number for us even people (although I'm sure we are odd too). Two. Four. Not one. Not three. Just numbers. Numbers that are comfortable. Numbers that are uncomfortable. 

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But they aren't just numbers. Not anymore. These numbers are representations. Tests. Lines. Children. Family members. They aren't numbers. 

My regular readers, who are not uncomfortable with girly issues, know I've just changed my medication. They may also know I've just had a pap smear. The urge to change and be checked out was thanks to Glowless and my subconscious. I changed my medication 'just in case'. Well, just in case had already happened. 

Five weeks. I didn't find out I was pregnant with munchkin until I was close to seven weeks. I noticed a change in my body almost two weeks ago. My ghetto booty has definitely expanded and my stomach is the size it was when I was sixteen weeks pregnant with munchkin. Where the fuck are my boobs though? They better make a come back and soon. 

Photo by Miss P

I didn't feel my first 'flutter' or what really felt like gas bubbles with munchkin until I was around eighteen weeks pregnant. I swear I'm feeling them currently as I type. 

Five weeks and number two is definitely making sure the attention is on him/her. Another attention whore. I already have one plus myself, of course. The poor mister will have three in his house. 

Just like munchkin, number two has come at an unexpected time. The mister is reapplying to the airforce for the third time. The first time I was pregnant and they used our circumstances to turn him down. The airforce is his dream. Thirty months ago he first applied and every major decision we have made has been to help reach his dream. We moved closer to the city and he just completed a six month pre-apprenticeship course, both so they wouldn't say no again. The big stress is now, will they use my pregnancy to say no again? A blow that would crush the mister, one that I don't think our family unit could deal with. 

Munchkin 5 minutes old

It's not only that though. Financially we could be in a better situation. I'm not working and the mister's work is on holidays for a month. A month of no money means he's looking for another job. He has one interview lined up already which is taking place tomorrow. A job he really wants. It's not the airforce but it's a good job in the meantime. I want to work but restrictions such as being pregnant and looking after a toddler make it hard to find something I can do. 

I can feel it creeping up every time I think negatively or worry. Guilt. I'm bathing in it. Guilt of the ease of falling pregnant twice. Guilt of not being ready twice. Guilt that there are wonderful, deserving couples out there who can't fall pregnant, at least not easily. Guilt that I can't be giving and adopt out. Guilt of being selfish. Guilt of being fortunate. Guilt of being guilty. 

At the end of the day we know we can do this. We know it's not a bad thing. Yes we worry but it's because we want the best for our family, we want stability. I'm excited. It's a new path in our fabulous journey! 

Family. Munchkin three days old